July Vacation

Junebug's Musings is on hiatus for the month of July.

This month I am working two jobs, taking a month-long-5-day-a-week college course and my niece is getting married. So while I try to find some sleep, and fight my way out of yet another untimely bout with depression I better take a break from anything unrelated to the first four time suckers. I shall return after my niece is married, I quit one of my jobs, I get another A to up my GPA and try to find meaning in my upside down life which I anticipate to all happen roughly around August 1st.

Yes the breakdown is due to more just announced pregnancies. I think that six in one month is my limit. Or at least I discovered that six in a month is my limit. Happy for them but really, really sad for me especially now that I'm a another year old and closer to dying alone as the cat lady on the street.(Note to self: Get some cats or teach the dogs how to purr and ignore me.) After crying for four days in a row I decided that I may be upset. No need to spread my misery among my favorite blog people so I will come back when I can see through this brain fog of despair.

To lighten the mood before I go. At the pony express last night we had to listen to two stupid announcements during work. One was to explain how to avoid, recognize and treat heat stroke. Interesting since we are all doing data entry - at night - inside a big building. I'm not sure that info will come in handy. The other announcement was all about fireworks. I learned that statistically people who use fireworks are more likely to get hurt by fireworks then people who don't use them. Good to know. I think that will help me get the mail moving faster.

Tuesday Musings

I saw Up yesterday. I believe that my friends that recommended this movie are not really my friends after all. Perhaps they are my enemies. You know..keep your enemies closer. I bawled like a baby from the first precartoon thru the infertile couple part to the freakin' bloody end. Perhaps...if my friends knew me at all... recommending this movie on the day that I turn 37 and am in the 7th year of infertility was not the brightest move. I shall find a way to pay them back. They shall cry sometime soon. Squirrel! Ok..parts of it were very funny but I did cry most of the movie.

Training for the former Pony Express went better last night. I have to pass 37 tests in 52 hours. On Friday at 12 hours I had only passed 7 tests but last night in 4 hours I passed 13 so I feel much better.
Things I have learned so far:
1. I can not accept gifts from anyone who may need the services of the Pony Express. Uhh...isn't that like everyone? Unless they are someone who would normally give me a gift anyway. (So nice try for all those out there who thought that meant you would not have to ever buy me a gift again. I know my husband got all excited until I got to the exception part.) I can, also, accept key chains, mugs, pens, pencils, erasers, etc. Promotional type stuff. I can accept food, however, if it is a whole box of cookies worth more then $20 I can accept it but have to share it with the entire facility.
2. Their videos have not been updated since the 80's. Lots of shoulder pads and big hair. (I miss big hair. It was so my thing.) I learned during diversity that in the 90's we expect to see more women enter the workforce as lawyers and doctors. Good to know in 2009.
3. I'm not sure what cleaner they use in the bathroom but I love it. It smells like strawberry gum. Yum!
4. People's handwriting can really suck but don't address your letters any neater because then I would be out of a job.

Birthday

Well here it is...another year come and gone. I still find it very difficult to believe that I am 37. That used to be such a far away number. I am certainly not where I thought I would be or doing exactly what I thought I would be doing. However, for the most part, I don't find that a bad thing. I am where I am because of the choices I made. I can't really blame anyone else. Sure bad things happened multiple times along the way but I still had a choice on how to handle them. Who is to say that another choice wouldn't have been worse? If I'm not where I want to be then now is the time to decide how to get there or if I even really want to go there. I've decided to do a list for my 37th of things I would like to see happen. Perhaps by this time next year I will finally be exactly where I want to be or at the very least content with where I am.

1. I would like to master the concept of when to use then and than. I'm sure it is simple and that is why I can never remember but I need to find a way because it vexes me on papers. Sure I won't save the world with this talent but it is a start.

2. I would like to go on a mission trip. My church is planning on in October to Mexico. Of course, I would have to take off from both jobs (unpaid) and convince my professors to excuse me from class but I think it would be worth it. I've always wanted to do this. Growing up one of my favorite movies was "The Nun's Story" with Audrey Hepburn. I was especially enchanted with the missionary work to which the nun's devoted their lives. I've always been passionate about volunteering locally but would love the opportunity to try a bit of missionary work in a foreign country. (Side note: I got to meet one of the authors of Nun's Story, Robert Anderson, on the same night I met Polly Holliday (Flo from "Alice", my favorite sitcom. Yes, she even said, "Kiss my grits." I, also, met playwright Arthur Miller that day. It was a beautiful night.)

3. I plan to lose my weight. At least 100 pounds. After I drop 100 pounds we shall see what weight I feel comfortable being. I haven't been under 200 in so long I forgot what it felt like. I've gone back to the medically supervised program I did 10 years ago where I lost 50 pds in three months. Of course, I can't eat any real food right now. I have to say it is kind of nice to not have a choice on food right now. I don't have to think about what my next meal will be or what I need to fix because it is already decided for me. Once I drop the weight I can focus on the nutritional aspect of my diet and spend time eating properly.

4. I want to be debt free. We are getting close. If our house sells there should be no reason that we are not debt free by my birthday next year. The small exception could be that after we pay off everything but my old student loans we may stop to save up the money for adoption. The loans are on deferment because I'm back in school so they are only accruing $25 worth of interest a month and I still make a small payment of $40 to cover that interest. The adoption process takes so long that it is possible that after we save the money for the adoption that we will still have time to pay off the loans before the baby arrives. It just might happen a little later then my next birthday but should be within a couple months of it. I think that is perfectly acceptable.

5. I want to learn how to relax. It sounds like a simple concept but if I'm not doing a billion things at once I'm looking for something to do. I haven't found the ability to sit and be content with myself. My therapist is working on breathing exercises with me. It is supposed to help. I think my main goal is to find a way to carve out a bit of time for myself once a day even if it is five minutes.

Taking inspiration from number 5 I will say that is enough things to work on in a year. I hope that in a year I will be skinny, debt free, expecting a baby while I sit relaxing on my front porch sipping some fresh squeezed raspberry lemonade reminiscing about my mission trip to Mexico. A girl should never lose the ability to dream.

Final side note: I find it ironic that on this day in 1613 the Globe Theatre burnt down. As an actress/director I find this oddly fascinating. During a performance of Henry the Eighth, a cannon misfired igniting the wooden beams and thatching. According to sources the only man hurt was a man whose burning breeches were put out with a bottle of ale. Note to self: Don't use a cannon in a performance being performed under a thatch roof.

Quick Update

I have found that my new second job is much harder on me then I thought it would be. I am working for the former pony express doing data entry. My shift for training is 11pm to 3am. Ouch! I was dying all week. It takes much longer for my body to adjust to schedule changes then it used to but what can you do. Considering that I will also add a college course(9:50am to Noon M-F) to this crazy schedule in a week and I might just go mad. Of course, I'm the one setting up this schedule. I really want to be debt free now. Since we are probably heading back to GA next spring I want to do all I can to be prepared. I was planning to start the Master's program here in January but that doesn't seem smart at this point if we are leaving. Instead I may lower my number of classes and spread them out trying to apply to a program the next fall in GA. I figure the plan will probably change ten times before next year anyway so I am trying to be flexible.

I used to change the look of my blog every month but quit several years ago. I decided to try it again. Therefore we have the fourth of July motif. I already picked out next months so this should be fun. Although with my schedule it might end there for awhile. I'm also trying to update my list of blogs I read and such. If you aren't there but you know I visit you - don't be sad - it will just take me awhile to get them updated.

I'm going to try desperately today to get to commenting on ICLW. I love all the comments I get but I feel so inadequate when I visit others. I feel so school girl. I over analysis any response and hope that I come off as nice, supportive and possibly funny instead of weird, rude or generally unagreeable. So much pressure. I really need to work on my own perfectionist issues. It is a real drag.

My hubby is on furlough all week. Which means that by Wed. we may no longer be on speaking terms. I believe that the key to a happy household is for the pretend boss to be at work most the time and for the real boss to be handling all the daily household decisions. JMHO.

Better go. I plan on doing a walk through of the house to make a to do list. This should cause my hubby to disappear for the rest of the week avoiding me and my list so that I can get some work done. :-)

Eavesdropping on Myself

Last night we were watching an advertisement for the new show about dancing you a** off.

Me: Oh! Yeah! I forgot when that was.
Hubby: (Sigh - little laugh - obvious sign of frustration at his wife's taste in tv.)
Me: What! It is about weight loss.
Hubby: Someday they are going to make a weight loss show with dancing mixed with a little crime drama about doctors. Everybody will watch it and be like "Wow" and their heads will explode.
Me: Giggling.
Hubby: And then they will talk with the ghosts of the people whose heads exploded.

Maybe my hubby should write for tv. He couldn't do any worse then some of the crap out there. :-)

Austen Musings 2

I wrote this awhile back and never got around to posting it so here you go.
Here are my second thoughts as I read Persuasion. It is along the lines of time. As I wrote awhile back. Austen wrote in the late 1700's and early 1800's. All her works where published in the early 1800's so around 200 years ago. 200 years is really not that long in the context of time. A person can live to be over 100 years old so it could conceivably be the lifespan of two people.
If this is the case then I look at all the things that have changed since the book was written. It is fascinating. Looking further back if you consider the prior three hundred years from say 1492 to 1792 not as much had changed. With the notable exception of the invention of the flush toilet and whom was murdering whom not much changed in those three hundred years. Main transportation was still horse and foot. Main entertainment was still theatre and parlor games.
In contrast the two hundred years since Austen have been prolific. Think of all the inventions in the past two hundred years! The car is one of the biggest changes. I'm shocked how long it took us since the invention of the wheel for us to get to the model T. Communication from pony express and morse code to the telephone/mobile phone and computer/internet. We don't have to wait years for contact with a loved one (unless they are actually avoiding us). The uses of electricity have grown exponentially. It almost seems as if we are changing faster and faster.
All these amazing inventions were to make life easier on us but have they? Are we actually taking the humanity out of the human? Road rage is actually a defense in court. Were there ever rampant cases of horse rider rage? It is easy for us to yell at someone from the confines of our tin box. I would find it a little harder to actually yell at someone in the face while on horseback. Although it does give me the giggles to imagine a cowboy giving another cowboy the finger for cutting in front of him on the trail.
In Austen's time it was considered unacceptable to visit someone for less than 30 minutes. Now days we might spend 30 seconds with someone. Are we getting to know the people we love less and less? Most of us including myself will pour all kinds of feelings and opinions on to our blogs but we often say things that we don't want our family or even some of our friends to know. Are we hiding behind a keyboard? I, myself, am very guilty of turning down social events to spend time playing computer games or watching TV. I've noticed that I have begun a tendency to hide away from the world. Face to face interaction is getting harder and harder for people to handle. Would I be like this if it was 1813?
Growing up we didn't have a TV until I was 5 and then I only watched Capt Kangaroo. We were outside playing from sun up to sun down. A couple of years ago hubby and I spent time camping on Jekyll Island in a tent. We would get up in the morning and walk on the beach. We spent most of our days reading, playing cards and being frisky. The main thing that I remember is how relaxed I felt. No pressure to return texts, calls, emails, etc. It was just us and nature. It makes me have to add health to one of the things I feel is suffering from all our rapid advancement.
I guess for all our improvements we have had to make trade offs. But are all the trade offs worth it? I doubt I would trade my PT for a horse no matter how much I love to ride. I won't give up Psych but I could give up more TV shows that really no longer do it for me anyway. I just sort of watch out of this misguided feeling of loyalty. So I ask myself, what contraptions in my life enhance the quality of my life and which ones devalue my quality of life? I think I may be looking at changing the way I work technology into my life. I might not be able to talk the hubby into moving into a cottage on the beach just yet but I can schedule more time to spend with my family and friends. Enjoying my time doing things I enjoy and not all the things I feel pressured to do because people can contact me at all hours of the day.

Monday Musings

Since we are putting the house on the market in a month I decided that I didn't want to go thru the trouble of putting up the backyard fence we have been planning. It would take days in 100 degree weather and starting tomorrow I will be working two jobs plus start another class in two weeks. I would rather use the time to do all the little things and painting that need done to prep the house. So instead of having a long discussion with my husband about this I ended my idea of not building the fence by suggesting that we instead spend the money on a flat screen LCD TV that would open up the living room making it appear more spacious for potential buyers. (Yes, I have been watching way too much HGTV.) One day later we had a new TV. After all these years I have totally learned how to work my man. :-) Oh, he did say that he would only agree if we walk the dogs daily. I agreed so he would still feel like he was in charge. I am so good.

My co-worker is gone all week so it is just me. Oh wait! I already do everything anyway. It just means I can use the computer more often without asking her to quit her solitaire game.

Quick update on the whole moving thing. After we declined the offer, they countered. We double checked and would totally have to pay a huge amount to get out of his current contract so unless he gets laid off in this week's round we are stuck until April. The other company understands and still hopes to snag him next April. I'm cool with it because it gives us time to finish getting debt free except for my student loans before we move and that is totally awesome. Plus, I can try to spend as much time with my family and friends as I can between the two jobs and school. Bonus with the other company is that they have some adoption assistance program and that would be very helpful.

Shout out to my BFF, CT, who won best actress at the Polk Street Awards show Saturday night. You rock girl!

Saw my ex husband near my home twice this past weekend. Once alone and once with his kids. (I live next to a park and he lives on the other side of our sort of subdivision.) I love the reminder on Father's day that he is a father and I'm still not a mother when he was the one who didn't want kids!! Cheating scum. Two times in two days is two times too many! All joking aside I was actually surprised that when I saw him (he never saw me) I didn't feel anything. No hate or anger or jealousy. Nothing. I even kind of felt sorry for him. Maybe I'm growing up or maybe the therapy is actually working. The first time I saw him my hubby and I were driving down the street and the ex was walking. I said, "OMG! That is my ex husband." before I even had time to sensor myself. My hubby said, "Oh. Reconsidering your choice?" I replied, "Are you kidding? He was the most selfish man I ever met. I don't think so." It is a little hard on hubby. My hubby and I met 19 years ago in college and dated on and off in college. After college I moved around and lost contact with hubby. He moved to Georgia. He found me online about seven years after I had finished college. I was already married but about a year and half later when the marriage failed in a bad way. I needed to get out of town and go as far as possible. I went to Georgia and we rekindled our relationship and were married within the year. Seven years later I'm pretty darn sure I made the right choice. Hubby didn't even date anyone during the time we weren't together but I married. I don't think it really bothers him much but since we have been going thru infertility for seven years he has slightly mentioned that if we hadn't broken up we might have started a lot sooner and maybe not had these problems. He might be right but I wouldn't have been ready to settle down right after college. Kind of funny that I was the one who needed to sow my wild oats and he was ready to settle down as soon as he met me. Either way I don't see the point in crying over spilt milk. I'm not sure I would trade all my adventures and experiences and friendships that I made during that time because I wouldn't be the person I am today. I think all those things are what will make me a better mother when the time finally comes for me to be a mother.

In My Head

It is a good thing that I don't always say what I'm thinking. One of our clients walked in with a t-shirt that said "I am the treat". Trust me when I say he is no prize. In my head I thought "If you're the treat I don't want to see the trick."
Then he was looking at this little aloe vera plant we have in the office and he said, "This is the smallest thing like this that I've ever seen." In my head I thought "That's what she said." :-)

Writing Prompts

The Prompts:
1.) Grab your current read. Let the book fall open to a random page and share two “teaser” sentences from that page, somewhere between lines 7 and 12.
(inspired by Heather)
2.) What do you aspire to be? (Inspired by The White House)
3.)Share a piece of unsolicited parenting advice...only I'm soliciting it.
4.)Tell us about your blogline...how long have you been blogging, when did you start, what were/are your goals for your blog, etc. (inspired by Corn)
5.)If you had 5000 dollars to give away or donate to a charity...explain what you would do with it and why.


To be honest the one I couldn't stop thinking about was the unsolicited parenting advice. I know that I'm not a parent and would probably be crucified for offering advice in an area I "know nothing about" but I couldn't keep my mouth closed. This advice is from a non parent to a parent. I can already see eyes rolling and fists shaking but someone has to speak up.

1. Sorry but everything your child does is not cute to everyone else. I understand because I love stories about my dog's poo as well but I try to restrain myself because I realize that not everyone else cares to hear about my dog's poo.

2. It would be nice if you helped your child notice their surroundings. Letting your child stand in the booth and hit me on the head during my entire meal is kind of rude. At the very least move them to the other side of the booth half way through the meal so another patron can share in this joy and I can finally sip my supersized margarita in peace.

3. Letting your child run willy nilly through a store is plain irresponsibly. What about their safety? Am I to be blamed if the third time they smack me as they run past me screaming they accidentally trip over my foot and while I am trying to catch them I accidentally shove them into a book display? Who is really to blame?

4. Public bathrooms are kind of gross. Letting your child crawl around on the floor and pop up in my stall is beyond impolite. Ironically I'm the one who could be arrested for being inappropriate but you know you are really to blame. Plus if I lose my precious balance and fall onto the seat I will hunt you down and it would be all kinds of messy. Best if you just figure out how to not have your child crawl into my stall.

5. Finally, there are child labor laws in this country. I consider all fourteen fundraisers per year that your child knocks on my door selling as a violation to this law. It seems like child prostitution. I don't need anymore magazines, gift wrap, cookie dough, popcorn, cookies, knick knacks, beach balls, or flowers. Besides the last kid took my money and never (You know who you are!) brought back my dang product! If I knew who you were I would come knock on your door and ask for my dang chocolates! Instead you ruined it for everyone else and from now on I'm going to hide in my basement when I see you coming just like those crazy religious freaks who keep knocking on my door. Way to go kid. I want my dang chocolates. Don't your parents have relatives, co-workers or friends that owe them a favor or something? When I have kids I'm just going to write a check the PTA and be done with it. I'll buy my kid a toy at the dollar store that would be better quality then the prizes the fundraising company offers anyway.

Perhaps the saddest part is that all of these are from personal experience. I realize that parents don't care for advice but sometimes it takes an outsider to help you see your faults. I'm just trying to help. It takes a village you know.

Wednesday Musings

Had a lovely weekend on the farm. I helped build a fence and read a ton. Came back with a fever on Sunday which continued to Monday. All better now and ready to tackle the world.

I said I would mention the whole breast thing and now I shall. Men - this may be TMI feel free to skip to the next paragraph. I had a small bump on my breast. It hurt and itched for two days. When I took time to really look one side was all spotted red like when you have blood vessels burst right under the skin. I immediately went into freak out mode. It was two Mondays ago. I started to lose my mind. I called my BFF and completely broke down.
Me: "I think I'm dying. OMG!" I try to explain between breaths.
BFF: "It's ok."
Me: "I made a dr. appt. but I know I'm dying."
BFF: "I would freak out, too. But it is ok. I think it is just a abscess or something."
Me: "Really? I might not die?"
BFF: "I think it will be ok."
I decided I couldn't spend the next two hours waiting for the dr. so I ran over to my cousin's job. I explained everything and showed her my boob. Yes. That is right I exposed myself at my cousin's job. Don't judge me. I was freaking out. Besides she works at an electrical business and all the men were out on a job plus she works at a hospital at night so she would have some knowledge. It was just us. She concurred with my BFF. I stayed there until my dr. appt. It was one of those times where I didn't care what anyone else thought I was going to have a melt down anyway. I could not be reasoned with.
The dr. concurred with my friends. She gave me a cream and said if it doesn't get better then I would have to have a biopsy but I am almost all healed now. My parents both died so young that I realize that since I have passed the age my father died and gotten closer to the age my mother died I have become a little more touchy about medical problems. Every little thing has started to bother me. I know logically why I freak out but in the moment I find it difficult to talk myself down. I can totally understand why some people have certain phobias and such. It is hard to overcome traumas in your life. Luckily I have very understanding family and friends that help me.

Last nights Faceb**k comment:
Can't believe next year is my turn for a 20th high school reunion! Don't know if we are doing anything but I guess it is time to lose weight. I figure to get to my high school weight I only need to lose three Calista Flockharts.